A Game Most Divine
by Trscroggs
Summary: What if life was just one big game? Daria's is.
1. Chapter 1

Daria's Game of Divinity

I've been reading a lot of 'Loop' stories lately. Stories based around the idea from Groundhogs Day, the main characters live life over and over again. I decided to have some fun with it, and borrowed another concept which is readable below.

OoOoOoOoO

When Daria opened her eyes, she found herself in a most peculiar room. Gazing in front of herself all Daria could see was white. There was no sign of a wall or a ceiling, and no sign that the whiteness ever ended.

Without looking, Daria knew she was dressed in white slacks and a colorless t-shirt, which had NOT been what she went to bed in. The only spot of color in the room, besides Daria's own skin, was the brown straight back chair on which she sat.

"Oh god, not again." Daria said out loud.

Suddenly the vastness was intruded on and a modern oak desk now sat in front of her. Behind the desk, on a chair identical to Daria's own, an elderly man dressed entirely in white sat. A white stick stuck out of his beardless mouth.

"Yes, again," The figure said.

"How did I die?" Daria asked. "I thought everything was going ok; for a completely screw-ball run at least."

The Old Man pulled the stick out of his mouth, revealing it to be a red lollipop. "You shouldn't have slept with that last man. The man had a wife . . . . The wife had a shotgun."

Daria shrugged. "Well I was trying to get into a crime of passion. I just wish he had been better in bed. How'd I score?"

The Old Man laughed and handed over a piece of paper that spontaneously appeared in his hand. "Well if you were setting out to get your lowest score ever you failed rather spectacularly."

Daria looked at the paper in shock. "What! I slept with every non-related male that showed even a hint of interest. I went out of my way to create as much havoc as I could."

"And in a lot of ways you did, but some of that havoc did bring issues to light that should have been fixed."

Daria read the page with great interest. "I got 500 points for sleeping with _Mack?_ It broke Mack and Jodie up. Jodie never spoke to me again and her grades plummeted. Mack quit the football team and ran from me for the rest of high school."

The being across the desk nodded. "And after they got over it they both lead better lives. No offense to Michael, but he rolled over a little too easily for Jodie's well being. Instead of going full tilt and burning out at twenty-five Jodie takes it more easily and ends up happily married, not to mention America's first female African-American president. Mack left playing sports for sports therapy and was instrumental in finding a long term treatment for arthritis."

Still perusing the list Daria commented, "I can see how sleeping with Upchuck would provide points, but in light of Mack, why are they so low?"

"The new and confident Charles was a good thing," came the response, "but he missed out on his optimal match because he overlooked her. Normally she's almost a default; it's hard for you to make big enough changes to prevent their meeting."

Daria smiled, "I guess I managed it that time. Still, I wouldn't mind doing it again. With a little practice, he could be the best lover ever."

"Your family score was about the same." The Old Man continued as if the comment hadn't been made. "You weren't as close to your father, but you much closer to your mother. Your relationship with Quinn was a little mixed, but it only improved as things went on."

Daria shrugged, "She didn't appreciate me sleeping with her boyfriends until after college when she got engaged to that cheerleader. That was the first time I remember Quinn swinging that way."

"When your older sister steals all your boyfriends, uses them, and then throws them away you can be forgiven for becoming leery of boys in general. She did thank you during her handfasting however. So in the final evaluation, Nymphomaniac Daria wasn't your best run, but you did beat your average."

"Can I have another clean run like that one again?" Daria requested.

"Planning another special run?" The Old Man asked.

Daria laughed and then carefully adjusted her facial expression. "Yes, I spent a lifetime as the queen bitch, now I'm going to go the other way. Let's see how Daria the Cynic scores."


	2. Chapter 2

"Damnit, I thought killing those two knuckleheads would be a good thing!" Daria yelled in frustration.

The Old Man gestured with his lollipop, blue this time. "As much as I hate to see life wasted; you would normally be quite correct. Only Beavis and Butt-Head normally stop a bio-terrorism attack. They end up saving the world."

"Total accident?" Daria asked with the tone of someone who already knew the answer.

"Total accident." The Old Man agreed. "After those events occur, they no longer have major positive impact on humans in general."

"And when did this attack occur?"

"It all started the day after you killed them," was the reply.

"You mean I died of the plague, and lost almost six thousand points, because I killed them _too damn __**early!**_"

"Yes," the Old Man commented, "you're timing could have been a lot better on that one."

Daria muffled her scream of frustration into her arm.


	3. Chapter 3

The next time Daria appeared in the White Room, her expression and demeanor were extremely pensive.

"You usually aren't this thoughtful after a failed run," the Old Man pointed out after he appeared.

"There was a lot to consider," Daria replied absently. "For instance, how much of all that was because my actions and how much of that was default?"

The Old Man sucked on his lollipop for almost a minute before answering. "I shouldn't be telling you this; Eric is a second degree figure after all, but I suppose you have some right. Eric's attempts to destroy your mother's career and sanity are basically default. Because of the way you interacted with Helen this run she was less willing to be Eric's thankless underling. Feeling a threat to his power base, Eric used all the resources at his disposal to eliminate her."

"But wrecking her damn sanity?"

"_All _the resources. He needed to make sure Helen couldn't come back at him later if she discovered the deception."

Daria sighed, "Well at least I know one thing."

"What's that?" The Old Man asked.

Daria's grin would have frightened most sharks, and not a few lawyers, "I have a new hobby; destroying Eric Schrecter."

* * *

"He had me shived," Daria growled. "I can't believe that sonova-bitch had me _shived!"_

"He got you arrested and sent to prison as well," the Old Man pointed out.

"I _might_ be able to forgive that," Daria said angrily. "Under the right view it did look like Jane and I were responsible for negligent homicide at the least. The sentence was only a damn month in juvi and a thousand hours of community service. I would have hated it, but I've gotten worse. No, my damn problem is that he paid somebody to _knife_ me the day after I was incarcerated."

"It was a bit more petty than usual," the Old Man agreed, "but you did get him fired with prejudice."

"Please, tell me he ended up paying for it," Daria requested, as her anger cooled slowly.

"Paying, yes. Getting caught, no." came the reply. "While there were suspicions about the girl who actually did the deed, there was never enough proof to do anything about it. Eric paid off the assassin and shortly thereafter began a very lucrative career as an underworld crime boss. Surprisingly, he decided not to do anything else to your family."

Daria sighed, "Well there's that at least."

Her expression then hardened, "Okay, mister want-to-be crime boss, it's time for Round Two."

"What happened?" Daria half-asked, half-stated.

"Car bomb," the reply from across the desk.

"A car bomb? You mean a clichéd, explosives-in-the-ignition _car bomb?" _Daria clarified.

"Do you know of any other kind?" The Old Man asked, and gestured with a yellow lollipop.

"You mean to tell me that a lazy, overpaid, suburban _lawyer_ had me killed with a freaking _car bomb_!"

"You, your mother, Jodie, and four innocent bystanders," the Old Man corrected.

Daria sighed deeply and let her head rest on the desk. "Was he caught at least?" She asked tiredly.

"Caught, arrested, prosecuted, and spent the rest of his life behind bars." The Old Man answered.

Daria sighed again and did not lift her head. "That's something at least. Five times, I've tried to shut this guy down. _Five_ times. And each and every damn time he ends up hitting me harder then I hit him."

"Maybe you should try avoiding him," the Old Man suggested.

"That would make the most sense," Daria agreed, "but damnit, that means he wins, even if he doesn't know it. On top of that, Lawndale is about the best town I can get my parents to move to after Highland. Which is probably a sad statement; I just don't have the energy to figure out what for. And if we move to Lawndale it's because Mom got a job with _him._"

The Old Man said nothing.

While keeping her chin on the desk, Daria tilted her head back so she was no longer face-down. "I'm going about this the wrong way. No matter how hard I hit him he always has the resources for a counter-attack. I know enough to hurt him, but not enough to predict and counter his reactions. I haven't been using my resources correctly, especially my ultimate resource."

"I should remind you," the Old Man interrupted, "what the penalty is for negative scores."

Daria sat back up. "Don't worry; I have no intention of getting a negative score. As tasteless as it is, I need to make a couple of bland runs to get a baseline response and then I'll start shaking things up to see what he does. I'll do something off-the-wall every once and a while to break up the tedium and see what he does."

Daria began to rub her hands together, "Then, when I know his responses better than he does, I'll make what I did to Beavis and Butt-Head look like a slap on the hand."


	4. Chapter 4

One of the problems with the White Room, as Daria had dubbed it many lifetimes ago, was that there was literality _nothing_ to do with her hands before the Old Man's desk showed up. Normally the problem was academic, but it did make it harder to get a good brood going. Daria had taken to hanging her head back over the chair back and gazing the infinite whiteness of _up_ when she did her heavy thinking here.

And as much as she hated to admit it, everyone once and a while Daria really did have something to brood about. In less than four attempts, she had discovered a way to destroy Eric Schrecter without any repercussions to her family or herself. All it would take was using one of the girls of Lawndale as bait.

"But even if you don't catch the fish," Daria mused out loud, "the bait usually gets eaten."

It should have been easy. Pick one of the girls she didn't like or didn't know and use her. Daria would get her win and when things reverted for the next run the girl would never know.

"But I would," Daria continued the thought out loud. "And damnit, a win like that isn't worth the damn guilt."

Daria sighed and straightened up in the chair. "So much for Plan Alpha. Ah well, it was a boring plan anyway; and what good's a win if you can't enjoy it?"

* * *

The next time Daria saw the Old Man he was slowly shaking his head back and forth.

"Lime Jell-O?" He asked.

Daria shrugged. "I was getting a little too melancholy; and decided to try some pranks to cheer myself up."

"But wasn't filling every sink, tub, toilet and other basin in his house with lime jell-o a little much?"

Daria smiled, "Don't forget the swimming pool, birdbaths, and convertible."

The Old Man suppressed a chuckle while trying to look stern. "And how many lifetimes old are you?"

Daria made a dismissive gesture, "I was a teenager at the time, and I blamed it on hormones. Just be grateful I scrapped the first plan."

"First plan?" The old man asked with both eyebrows risen towards his hairline.

Daria nodded. "It turned out that moving that much raw maple syrup was just too impractical; not to mention that it would have taken forever to get enough duck feathers."

The Old Man shuddered, "Tell you what, you never execute that prank, and I'll ignore how that was the highpoint of that lifetime."

"Deal."


	5. Chapter 5

"Okay, that was probably the oddest life I've had in a really long time." Daria said in shock as soon as the Old Man's desk appeared.

"I don't know," the Old Man mused, "I thought you made a pretty good cheerleader/movie star/charity founder. And it was certainly one of your top-ten highest scores."

Still in shock Daria mumbled, "That isn't what I was trying to do."

"What was the plan?"

Daria shook her head until the shock faded. She didn't answer until she had finished clearing her head. "I noticed a couple of lifetimes ago that every once in a while I'd see a flash of something, well not bimboish, from Brittany Taylor. I wanted to know if I was seeing things."

"Were you?"

"No," Daria said in wonder, "oddly enough I wasn't. Brittany's certainly no genius, but she's a hell of a lot smarter than I thought she was. I hadn't realized how . . . vicious, the rest of the squad was. Almost make me wish I hadn't discarded Plan Alpha. I wouldn't feel nearly as bad using Ashley as bait as I would with, well with pretty much anyone else."

"And yet, without direct influence, Brittany manages to hold the head cheerleader position almost constantly for three and a quarter years."

Daria nodded, "Not to mention getting high enough scores to get into a pretty decent college without by's or serious tutoring." Daria laughed out loud, "Though it certainly helps if you phrase the lessons the right way."

"I'd say she did a lot better than 'decent college' this time." The Old Man pointed out.

Daria blushed. "Okay, I wasn't expecting to get along with her so well. I guess some of my study habits must have rubbed off. And while I won't say I enjoyed being a cheerleader, I've done things I've hated a lot more."

The Old Man removed the green lollipop from his mouth and carefully placed it in a cup that appeared on his desk. "You broke the point barrier, so I have to offer. Do you wish to retire?"

Daria closed her eyes and thought for several minutes before she sighed deeply and answered.

"No," Daria finally said, "I liked it; it was a good life, but my family score could have been a lot better. Dad still had that heart attack; Mom almost worked herself to death in a job that was a dead-end before she even started; and Quinn's best relationship was the one with those three lap-dogs she got in high school."

"You do remember the lecture about how the only one whose opinion really matters is your right? And that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' run?" The Old Man said.

Daria nodded, "I remember; but I care about my family, and some other people besides, too much not to try to arrange a future they can enjoy. And if that means I have to take a hit in my own enjoyment . . . bring it on."

The Old Man said nothing.

* * *

"That was . . . entertaining."

"You said you wished to try something different." The Old Man pointed out.

"Yes," Daria admitted with a wave, "but ninja? Well, pseudo-ninja."

The Old Man shrugged. "It was different. And I have to say you did make a good, if very reluctant, ninja."

Daria snorted, "Only because I tossed their unspoken ninja M.O out first thing. I was a damn ninja; I was _not _too good to take my enemies out when they were sleeping and everything _does_ go better with a little poison."

The Old Man laughed. "Well you managed to thoroughly dismantle most of the major points of that unaugmented timeline. Not everything was better, but you managed to beat the curve."

"It was a nice break from normal," Daria agreed, "and it gave me an idea."

"Oh?"

"Before returning to my originally scheduled timeline I want to do one more merger."

"Yes . . . ."

"I want to be a Jedi." Daria said with a smirk.

* * *

Normally when Daria appeared in the White Room, she found herself sitting upright in the same brown chair that was present every time she arrived here. On occasions, she lounged in the chair instead. This time she appeared with her knees were draw to her chest and her face tightly pressed to her knees. In addition, Daria had both arms wrapped around them in a desperate need to curl into a smaller ball.

The desk appeared without preamble in its usual spot. Daria paid it no mind as she shivered on the chair.

"And what did we learn today?" The Old Man asked.

After several minutes passed without an answer the Old Man said in a perfect copy of Daria's voice, "I learned that teasing an Old One is a bad idea."

Daria pulled her knees even closer.

"And what else?" The Old Man continued in his own voice.

"And I'll never ask for a crossover with a Lovecraftian work again." The Old Man replied to himself using Daria's voice.

Daria whimpered at low volume.

"Well, I won't hold you to forever," The Old Man replied to 'himself', "But I think a nice break is in order before you even consider that again. Now, how would you like a nice quiet life on a world with lots of very good psychologists?"

Daria frantically nodded her head against her knees.


	6. Chapter 6

"Note to self," Daria said to herself as she reappeared in the White Room, "Jodie's a serious lightweight."

The Old Man said nothing; in fact he didn't seem to be paying Daria any mind as he studied a report in front of him.

"I was just trying to get her to relax; she was taking college way too seriously," Daria continued, unmindful that she was speaking in monologue. "It was a beer; onebeer. Hell, it wasn't even _strong_ beer."

"Mmmhm," the Old Man 'said'.

"Jodie was less smashed than I was, that's why I let her drive." Daria continued, "I don't know why that cop flashed us; maybe we had a tail light out. I certainly didn't tell Jodie to peel off like someone put a rocket in our trunk."

"Mmhmm," The Old Man said as he turned a page.

"And I certainly didn't tell her to head out of town, especially not to the quarry." Daria said as she began to make energetic gestures.

The Old Man turned another page.

"How was I supposed to know she had seen Thelma and Louise recently," Daria concluded, "and would duplicate the final scene into one of the rock pits?"

The Old Man pushed a piece of paper across the desk which Daria signed without looking.

"Such a lightweight," Daria said as she disappeared from the White Room into her next life.

* * *

Daria had a very firm glare in place the next time the desk appeared.

"That was a dirty trick." Daria growled while attempting to set the desk on fire with her eyes.

"You signed off on it," the Old Man replied.

"While I was ranting to myself, it doesn't count!" Daria protested.

"You enjoyed it," the Old Man pointed out.

"Only because it was a blind run and I couldn't remember anything but that lifetime."

"Daria, my job is to shake things up. To prevent you from going into the same-old-same-old. And you've been neglecting possibilities as of late."

"But why that?" Daria asked.

The Old Man shrugged, "Just pointing out the possibilities you were neglecting, Darius."

Daria's glare intensified as she growled. "And you just had to flip everyone else's gender too."

"That was what you signed for."

"Kevin and Upchuck are bad enough when they're male," Daria growled. "Do you have any idea how . . . grabby they were as females?"

"You went out with Charlotte."

Daria shuddered slightly, "You'll notice we only went out _once._ Even Darius knew some things were just too easy."

"That didn't stop you from looking at her, or Keeva's, chests."

"I _was_ a teenaged boy," Daria pointed out and then she laughed. "It would figure that the only person with a bigger bust than Brittany would be her boyfriend."

* * *

"Well, that was depressing." Daria sighed.

"Why?" The Old Man asked. "You were almost single handedly responsible for preserving humanity against a biological disaster."

Daria shook her head, "No, I was responsible for their short-term survival. And I only affected Lawndale."

This time the Old Man shook his head. "No, you organized the surviving women. You were the one who realized how valuable the fertility clinics were. You were the one who made people realize the nuclear plants had to be shut down or avoided. You provided the example that rallied all the people who lost their significant others."

"And when the sperm runs out?" Daria countered, "Or those nuclear reactors no one can access melt down? Or what about when the infrastructure collapses because 90% of the workforce that maintained it is dead? Or those male-dominated areas in China that are now mostly empty because all the males are gone? What the hell happened anyway?"

"Somebody made a wish," the Old Man said, "on a greater artifact, while standing at a reality fulcrum, during a celestial alignment."

Daria bit back a groan. "You mean to tell me that some little . . . argh, doomed humanity because she was scorned?"

"It was a male who made the wish actually. And he even knew what he was doing; he just hadn't fully considered that he wouldn't be able to revert it later. The result was two Earth's locked in tidal orbit around the Sun. One populated by male humans, the other by female. And you did manage to save your half."

"How?" Daria asked.

The Old Man shrugged and gestured with a green lollipop. "Your efforts kept key people alive long enough to develop a solution to the population problem. Sure there was another huge drop in population, but you did prevent a 'last generation' problem. The men had a much harder time of it, but they managed to catch themselves in the nick of time."

Daria sighed, though from what even she wasn't sure of. "The next time I mention I am planning to take some time off from men I want it understood that I am not asking to live on a world _without_ men."


	7. Chapter 7

"One again," Daria said, "I am reminded that I need to be more specific with requests."

"You asked for a 'simple life' this time," the old man replied. "What could be simpler than a pastoral farming village?"

Daria sighed and pointed, "You of all people should know things are never as simple as they seem. One: the village only cultivated _one_ crop and like pretty much every other village of the time was only one failed crop away from starvation. Two: for a pastoral farming village, it had more than its fair share of enemies. One enemy, a sorcerer no less, was so regular it wasn't a shock to see him regularly and he was only one good idea away from annihilating the village. On top of him, the only thing preventing villages more powerful enemies from wiping it out was that the village wasn't their number one concern."

"Third: the village was the go-to place for supernatural entities seeking aid," Daria continued, "which regularly earned the village more enemies. And finally four: the only allies who could regularly help the village had very little power of their own."

"But you must admit, the village did do a lot of good," the Old Man pointed out, "including saving the world on a couple of occasions."

"Which was mostly because of the village elder," Daria countered. "He was one of the most competent, if not the most competent, sorcerers around. The village would have been wiped out a dozen times in a month without him."

"Now, now Daria don't be dower."

Daria scowled. "I would appreciate it if I never had to be Dower again. And if you ever pull a stunt like this again so smurf me . . . ."

Daria's scream of frustration would have been audible for several miles in each direction.

* * *

"What did you think of the 'what if' scenario you asked for?" The Old Man asked Daria after her latest lifetime.

Daria shot the Old Man a look. "That was NOT the scenario I wanted to try."

"Sure it was. You asked for," the Old Man's voice switched to a perfect replica of Daria's, "I want to what would happen if I was adopted."

Returning to his own voice the Old Man continued, "and isn't that what you got? The Morgendorffers were rendered infertile by exposure to some of the things they did in the 60's, hence they adopted two wonderful daughters to raise."

"What you aren't mentioning." Daria replied. "Was that one of the girls they adopted wasn't _human_. Or that she just so happened to be a _dragon_ from _outer space_!"

"Now, now Daria," the Old Man soothed, "the Terrackas are a perfectly reasonable species. They have a long history of fostering out their children to alien species to help bridge the species gap. Your family was hardly the only volunteers. And I should say that I thought Quinn made an excellent sister."

"She made a strange one," Daria corrected. "For one: she horded _scrunchies_."

"Terrackas do have hair," the Old Man countered.

Daria ignored the comment, "For the next: when her biological parents weren't the size of kittens, or faking human form, they were big enough to circle our house."

"Your parents were wonderfully accommodating to Quinn's parents needs."

"And finally," Daria concluded, "despite being able to _fly_, her favorite way of getting around was to catch a ride _on my head_!"

The Old Man laughed, "Daria, she may have been an alien dragon she was still _Quinn; _and as your little sister part of her job description was 'getting into your hair'."

Daria was not amused.

* * *

"That was fun," Daria exclaimed as she appeared in the White Room. "I don't usually like those crossover lives, but that one was very entertaining."

The Old Man was frowning at the unrepentant looper.

"I got to do interplanetary travel, meet new and interesting people, and was well known throughout the galaxy." Daria continued.

The Old Man's frown deepened.

"Whole interstellar civilizations had specific protocols for my arrival. Why they would turn out whole fleets to great me." Daria continued.

"You are never getting a yellow ring again." The Old Man said as Daria continued to wax rhapsodic.


	8. Chapter 8

Both Daria and the Old Man were scowling upon Daria's next appearance.

"I thought for sure that would work." Daria mused. "The easiest way to avoid Eric Schrecter was to make sure Mom didn't have to work for him."

"I am not pleased on how heavily you relied on future knowledge," The Old Man replied.

Daria shook her head, "How else was I going to play the stock market? It took me most of my childhood to convince my parents I was a 'financial genius'. But after I had bagged the first million, Mom and Dad wanted to move to Lawndale _anyway._"

The Old Man pointed towards his desk with a purple and yellow polka-dotted lollipop. "Without major changes Lawndale _is_ an up and coming area with many new-wealth families and private schools with excellent reputations."

"True enough I guess," Daria allowed, "But why the hell did we have to get involved with _that_ law office? Eric got his claws in Mom _and_ Dad that time."

The Old Man shrugged, "The workings of the universe are far more complicated than can be conveniently explained. I guess in this would be a 'the more things change' issue."

Daria sighed, "And we can add plan 47 to the file of 'things that don't get Mom away from Eric Schrecter.'"


End file.
